When likes matter

Growing up, I have always felt that there are more people who are irked by my presence than those who are joyed. As I struggled finding out why is it hard for people to appreciate the mere efforts I do just to be liked and be loved, it has gotten to a point that I feel I am better off not attaching myself to anyone. While it is universally true that not a single person can please the whole world, it is with much dismay that I say that I do not clearly see the fine line between not pleasing everyone and having an unlikeable aura.

I did well and school and even if I did, most teachers would kind of hate to give me above average grades for reasons only them know. I try so hard doing my best at work and show everyone I deserve to be there but it all comes in vain. I always show my friends that I value friendship like diamond but I always end-up not getting the same love (although I should not expect something in return when I give).

It has always felt like what I do is always wrong because there was never a time I got something right. While I always maintained the value of kindness within me, I have always felt that people find it too easy to turn their backs on me and I find it too hard to understand.

I have never cried about it but I also never felt cool about it. I mean I don’t really fathom what I need to do to not be treated too harshly because being myself is just not enough – it never was. When I speak my mind out, people see me as too arrogant; when I am too quiet I seem to be a snob and when I let out one boisterous laugh I appear as annoying. I could only say so much but they will all just lead to asking what makes me unlikeable.


Although I keep Anne Frank's qoute 

'I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart'  

in mind, there has always been a part of me that asks wether people see the good in me. While I ironically tell others to not care if people like them or not, I find it hard to do the same especially that I have always been big in making people feel that I appreciate them. I feel like I have to bend my self-rule that says it is okay to not receive anything as long as I am able to give because I kind of having my brim full. Although no one would really care if I stopped talking to them,  I believe it is the only way I will be able to give them a favor and make them happy and they will most probably like me for it. 

I can’t and will never find my place – at least that’s what I’m sure of.